


Parched

by notmeagain



Series: Thirsty [1]
Category: DCU
Genre: Humor, M/M, basically what the description says, dont expect anything serious about this, fluff?, i cannot stress enough that u will not get anything substantial from this fic, it's crack, it's super tame, tagging it at T because of language but i mean, what u will get are some chuckles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 10:51:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15639249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notmeagain/pseuds/notmeagain
Summary: Bruce Wayne reads thirst tweets.





	Parched

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [Parched](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17430074) by [Fiona0707](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fiona0707/pseuds/Fiona0707)



> i know. im sorry. i had to. not really. i wanted to tho. this is my contribution to the fandom. more crack

“I disagree,” Bruce told Alfred as he adjusted his shirt collar popping the two top buttons undone. “I think it’s a novel idea.”

“If you’re certain,” Alfred said in a tone that he distinctly remembered from childhood.

“It’s just a silly Buzzfeed video.”

“Silly being a key word.”

“You’re aware that your disapproval makes me want to do it more?” he asked smirking a bit.

Alfred gave him an exasperated sigh. “As usual Master Bruce, you continue to be impossible.”

“I’m keeping up with the times, Alfred.”

“Trying to be hip, are we?”

He gave him his brightest, most obnoxious smile. “You should try it sometime, old friend.”

Alfred left the room with an indignant huff which only made Bruce chuckle.

To be completely honest, he was about to back out of the whole thing until Alfred and Damian made their disapproval of it very clear. No matter at what age he always liked doing what other people didn’t want him to do. He was a very difficult person, he knew that already. At least Dick thought it was a good idea. Although Dick also thought that agreeing to be auctioned off for a charity event was a good idea and that ended in total and utter disaster.

Then again, he’s Batman so he can do whatever he wants.

He drove to the studio and was led to various backstage procedures while being instructed on what to do. The video was simple enough to shoot. His directions were; sit there, read a tweet, react.

When he opened the first tweet he knew it was going to be a strange day.

 

#

 

Clark Kent was staring blankly at his computer screen willing his brain to write something. By some miracle he finished all his articles before the deadline, so he had a lot of free time to actually work on the novel he was intending on writing sometime this century. He was saved from destroying his coffee table—by repeatedly banging his head into it out of sheer frustration—when he got a message from Lois with a link to a video attached. Out of all the things Lois could have sent, he did not expect _that_.

The video started with cheery music and the graphics displayed simply: Bruce Wayne reads thirst tweets.

 _“Hi, I’m Bruce Wayne,”_ the Bruce in the video said with a grin. _“And I’m here to read your thirst tweets.”_

Clark watched the video with extreme amusement and happy disbelief. Bruce didn’t tell him he was going to do this. If he did, he would have mocked him relentlessly. Maybe that was why. It doesn’t matter. Bruce made a Buzzfeed video and he can’t stop giggling.

 

_“Let’s get started.” Video Bruce took out a piece of paper and his face contorted into something akin to shock. “Wow.”_

Clark was on the edge of his seat to hear what Bruce just read. If his face was any indication it was downright hilarious.

 

“ _Bruce Wayne has a 5 Michelin star ass I probably couldn’t afford to eat.”_

 

“Oh no.” Clark was suddenly washed with a feeling of pure and utter horror.

His phone buzzed with a message from Dick. He ignored it in favor of gaping like a fish.

 

_“We’re on a great start guys,” Video Bruce told the crew as they laughed. “Don’t worry. It’ll be my treat.”_

_“Next one—” he picked up another tweet. “Oh boy. Um. I have to read it don’t I? Yes, here goes.”_

_“When will Bruce Wayne crush my entire body with his magnificent thighs.”_

_Video Bruce gave a saucy smile to the camera and asked, “When are you free?”_

_The crew laughed, and Bruce was onto the next one._

_“Bruce Wayne is rich, hot, and stupid as hell. I’d fuck him so hard.” Bruce mouthed a ‘wow’. “That’s very kind of you. Really.”_

 

Clark could not wrap his brain around what was happening. He refused to believe it.

The vibration of his phone was getting worse now.

He couldn’t get himself to move. He was transfixed by the stupid Bruce smiling with no care in the world in the stupid Buzzfeed video that was currently ruining his life. Out of all the tweets in the world.

 

_“Bruce Wayne is daddy A-F. Af?” Video Bruce read. “I’m a father of five. So, yes.”_

_“You know what they meant by daddy, right?” a crew member asked._

_Bruce smirked. “I’ve been around.” Then gave the camera a wink._

Clark’s face turned a very unhealthy shade of red and other colors.

His phone has vibrated out of his coffee table and on to the floor where it continued to buzz. He thought it ironic that now was the time he refused to touch his phone.

 

_“Things I look for in a man. Six foot four—I’m six foot four—has greying hair—oh that’s—Extremely wealthy, has five kids— I think I know where this is going— and is Bruce Wayne. Aha. I saw what you were doing with that. That’s. Um. Nice. That’s nice.”_

Clark refused to believe this reality. He rejected this reality and everything it was trying to make him suffer through.

 

_“Did you guys look for the worst ones?” Video Bruce had an eyebrow quirked. “Oh, this one has a picture.”_

_“Bruce Wayne in the 90s parading his tight ass around in his leather pants is what keeps me up at night.” He nodded. “Oh, I remember those pants. They were tight. And hot. Leather doesn’t exactly breathe. I miss those pants.” He gave the camera a sexy grin. “They might make a comeback now. So, get ready for more sleepless nights.”_

Clark was being attacked by a villain and this was his hallucinatory torture. This was the only explanation on why he was happening to him. He was a good person damn it.

 

_“No one warned me Bruce Wayne would turn from twink to daddy so quick,” Video Bruce read. He scrunched his face in a cute kind of way. “Funny. I never thought I was twink but I guess that’s what a twink would say.”_

_The crew roared with laughter as Bruce dug around for the next tweet to read._

_“I want Mr. Wayne—” Bruce snorted “—Ha, you could tell this is already going to be naughty. Mr. Wayne. Please. Okay. I want Mr. Wayne to pound me into the ground with his penis.”_

_Video Bruce sighed and looked at the camera with a straight face, “You keep making plans, but you don’t tell me when you’re available. How’s that going to work out?_

_“Last one, guys,” Bruce said as he took out the tweet. “Bruce Wayne should break into my apartment, sit on my face, and suffocate me until I die._

_“I can’t go back to jail.” Video Bruce chuckled. “Seriously, though, c’mon people why are you telling the world all of this. Have some control. The internet is forever. I can’t un-see any of this. Although this is strangely flattering.”_

 

This could not get any worse for Clark. Maybe he could fly away and stay in the Fortress for a couple of years until everyone forgot this happened. He’ll visit his Ma of course and still be Superman but aside from that only the Fortress. At least things couldn’t get worse.

 

_“Wait.” Video Bruce paused suddenly and then going through the discarded tweets. “Are these all from the same person?”_

Shit.

_“They’re from one account,” confirmed a crew member._

_“Wow.” Video Bruce bit his lip trying to decide if he found it flattering, creepy, or both. Then something flashed quickly on his face._

Clark was screwed. So, definitely screwed.

 

#

 

To say Bruce was surprised about what he uncovered the day of the thirst tweets was a glaring understatement. He prided himself in being prepared for anything, but he really didn’t know how he could have prepared himself—emotionally or otherwise—for the knowledge that Clark Kent also known as Superman would write _thirst tweets_ about Bruce Wayne. Mind boggling.

 _At least he didn’t write about Batman’s thighs,_ Bruce thought. That wasn’t a huge consolation, but he’s trying to look on the bright side. For once.

“I told you it was a bad idea,” Alfred said while he contemplated on his next move.

“This is not the time for I told you so’s.”

“Nor is it the time for whatever it is you’re doing now.”

“I’m planning.”

“Planning what exactly?”

“How to deal with this.”

“For once, Master Bruce, make it easier for everyone involved and go to the young man and talk to him.” Alfred looked like he wanted to put his hands on his hips and give him a proper scolding.

Bruce decided it was time to leave the Manor before Alfred could give in to the urge.

As he was about to break into Clark’s apartment like he always did, he realized he caught Clark just as he started to watch the video.

He watched from the window how quickly Clark’s body language changed as soon as the first tweet was read.

So, Clark recognized they were his tweets. Interesting.

What he wanted to find out was Clark’s purpose for writing those tweets. What even possessed him to do that in the first place?

He knew how he should react and what course of action he would take if Clark just meant them in jest. If it was just something Clark thought was a funny joke.

Bruce smirked to himself.

And he knew _exactly_ what he would do if they weren’t.

 _Let’s get this over with_ , Bruce thought as he stepped inside.

 

#

 

Clark heard Bruce enter his apartment through the window as he wondered idly how fast he could get to the Fortress and lay low for a bit. Just until this all dies down. A couple of decades will probably do.

“Clark,” Bruce said.

“Yes?” he answered not turning around. He could feel Bruce’s glare. It’s a good thing Bruce didn’t have heat vision.

“I think you have something to tell me,” Bruce said simply.

“No.” He finally turned around to face a surprisingly casually dressed Bruce. “I have absolutely nothing to tell you.”

“Clark.” Bruce gave him _that_ look. “This is the way you want to do this?”

“What way?” Clark played dumb. _Yes, this is how he was going to play this._

“I traced the account back to you,” Bruce said simply as studied him as he squirmed on the spot.

“What account?”

“The Twitter account from that video you were just watching.”

“How long have you been at my window?”

“Long enough to see you turn the most interesting colors.” Bruce smirked. “Do you have anything to say?”

“I can explain,” he said quickly standing up a little straighter.

Bruce looked like he wasn’t expecting that and to be honest Clark wasn’t either. “Go ahead.”

“I can’t explain.” He deflated immediately.

“You can’t explain why you made an account just to write _thirst tweets_ about Bruce Wayne?”

“I can,” he said. “But I would rather not.”

Bruce rolled his eyes, moved to the couch, and laid down crossing his arms over his chest.

Clark couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him at the sight of Batman pouting at the ceiling because he was being difficult.

“I’m not leaving until you tell me.”

“Since when do you ever want to talk?”

“Since you started writing tweets about my and I quote ‘ _shoulders that look like they were stolen from some Greek marble statue’_.”

Clark blushed as his attention was drawn to those said shoulders which were looking fantastic in a simple tight-fitting gray shirt.

“And Alfred told me to.”

“You’re listening to Alfred, now?”

“That’s not the point of this conversation.”

Clark sat on the other end of the couch trying very hard not to touch Bruce, which proved to be impossible because it was not a very big couch.

“Well?” Bruce lifted his eyebrows expectantly.

Clark sighed. It was better to get all of this over with now, so they could put it behind them quickly and forget all about it. Who was he kidding though? This was Bruce. He would never forget about it. He’ll hold it over his head forever.

“Where do I start?” he asked.

“The beginning would be ideal.”

“Okay.” He took a deep breathe to steel himself. “The beginning. Do you remember that time I got a face full of a strange unidentified alien substance—?”

“The incident three months ago with the inter-galaxy peace treaty. I was there. I remember.”

“Yes and—"

“I identified that alien substance to be that planet’s version of a recreational drug and made your body react like it was intoxicated,” Bruce interrupted. “What about it? Did it have side effects, you didn’t tell me about?”

“It’s not really a side effect more something you do when you’re drunk.”

“What?”

“Okay, so you remember you took me home after and took care of me for a while and when you thought I was asleep you left.”

“I’m guessing you weren’t asleep.”

“No.” Clark started to color again. “I—ah. You were being so nice to me, or I think you were being nice to me. I was very drunk at the time. But when you left I thought it would be a great idea to look up pictures of you online because I missed you, then I thought it would be a fantastic idea to tell the whole world about how er—attractive you are, but I got to thinking you’d be mad if I called you about it or just posted it on my own account so I made a new one. Never would have thought you’d find it though.”

Bruce looked at him with a neutral expression that wasn’t helping Clark’s embarrassment at all. “But the tweets weren’t all posted all at the same time. You didn’t post them all in one night.”

“No.”

“You kept posting after.”

“I did.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Because?”

Clark sighed. “Lois was sick about hearing about it and I needed somewhere to vent. I couldn’t tell Diana all this or else she’d have me do something or worse hint about it to you.”

“Vent out what?” Bruce sat up and stared at him.

“You know.”

“I don’t know.”

“You read the tweets how could you not know!” Clark didn’t mean to shout. Kind of.

“Oh.”

“Oh?” And now he was a little hysterical. “That’s all you say? Oh?”

Bruce smirked and left the room. Except instead of climbing out the window or out the front door he went straight to Clark’s bedroom. Bruce took off his shirt and threw it in Clark’s general direction without looking back.

“C’mon then, Kent,” Bruce called throwing his pants in his direction too.

Even with all of Clark’s super speed, he still could not get his brain to catch up with what was happening.

“Come where?” Clark asked dumbly.

“I broke into your apartment,” Bruce said slowly his voice coming farther from Clark’s bedroom.

“Yes?” he didn’t know where Bruce was going with this. Bruce was always breaking into his apartment. And to other places he shouldn’t be breaking into. This was not news. “And?”

“And I’m going to my clothes off and wait for you to get your brain working again then sit on your face.”

Clark was confused, but incredibly turned on. “You—"

“But of course, you can’t suffocate since you don’t need to breathe.”

“Of course.”

“So, we’ll just see what happens.”

Clark just sat there for a moment forcing himself to accept that this is his life now. Life was being so good to him right now.

“After that we could do those other things too.”

“Other things.”

“I have a few ideas of my own, but we’ll try to go through yours first.”

Clark was slowly starting to get what was happening.

Bruce popped his head and very naked chest out of the bedroom and asked impatiently, “Are you going to just sit there all night or what?”

_That did it._

Clark flew to his bedroom and pinned Bruce down on his bed. He even remembered to take off his clothes too.

“What are you going to do now, Clark?” Bruce was challenging him.

Clark grinned.

 

#

 

Sadly, they couldn’t go through all the amazing ideas Clark suggested online. To be fair, some of those ideas were physically impossible. They got through a couple though and they panned out better than expected.

“Are you going to stop with the tweeting?” Bruce asked a couple of hours later, his voice a little rough.

“Oh, yeah,” Clark said to Bruce’s chest. “I’ve found a better way to vent out my frustrations.”

“Good for you.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person benefitting from that.”

“Whatever you say.”

Clark poked him.

Bruce poked him back.

 _Yes_ , Clark thought. _Definitely better._

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! remember you read the tags and the summary, so you got what you got
> 
> im not even sure why i posted it, to be fair. i wanted to post it


End file.
